Esto Perpetua (Latin: Let it be forever)

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Temporary Home

The week of Christmas is usually the best week of my whole year. I love Christmas and spending time with my family and friends. This year it would be different being in another state, but, between the internet, phone, and church friends we were not going to be lacking for Christmas cheer. This Christmas was the worst Christmas of my entire life. My mom called my phone while I was out Monday with a friend and I asked if I could call her back, when she told me to call as soon as possible I could hear that she'd been crying or at least very very upset. The rest of the outing I had that feeling in my stomach, that balled fist trying to push through to the outside, I just knew it was going to be so bad. When I finally worked up the nerve to call I couldn't get a response on anyone's phone. I knew if I checked facebook it would be there. With a slight fear I checked, as soon as I saw my Uncle Jim's name in the line I started panicking. I tried my mom's phone three more times and when I didn't get her I called my Aunt Paula. She told me short of a miracle of God my Uncle Jim would die very soon. I was pretty much sobbing as I tried to make sense of it, I couldn't quite comprehend what she was telling me. He wasn't supposed to be that sick. It was just supposed to be a minor infection that would heal quickly with some meds. My Uncle Jim has been much more gravely ill than this before and God brought him through. I was frantically trying to get more information, Aunt Paula told me to call Aunt Betty my Uncle Jim's wife. As I hung up the phone I couldn't contain myself. I fell down to my knees sobbing and begging God to please please spare my Uncle. Anyone who knows my family know that my Uncle Jim was my Grandpa growing up. I have no memories of my blood Grandparents until my teen years. In my heart Aunt Betty and Uncle Jim will forever hold the true Grandparents spot. I tried to catch my breath and stop crying long enough to talk to my Aunt Betty, I knew my Uncle was sedated to help him with his pain. When I got her she tried to sound positive and ask me about the house and the weather here, and I asked about Uncle Jim she still tried to sound positive. As I tried to ask if I could talk to him, my voice broke and I couldn't hold it back anymore. I started crying and she told me it didn't look good at all, and I said I wanted to go to them and be able to see him one last time. I love him so much still, I couldn't fathom not saying goodbye. My Aunt said She was gonna hand the phone to our Aunt Judy. I talked to Aunt Judy just a little while I was crying so hard then I could barely talk. I asked her to give my Uncle a hug and tell him how very much I love him even if he wasn't awake to hear it. I hung up the phone and sobbed and sobbed. I stayed in our room for and hour crying and begging God to spare him. At 8:15 that night my beloved Uncle Jim passed. He went to heaven with out me being able to see him one last time, to tell him in my own voice how much I truly love him and how much he meant to me, how I think of him every single day. That he was the biggest encourager I've ever had, that his hugs made me feel so truly loved and cared for and safe. That I'd rather have him here than anything in this world, that I'd trade ten years of my life for just one more day with him. I miss him so much it hurts everyday when he comes to my mind. I got to see him this summer when we moved up to North Carolina. We stayed up there for three days, it was so wonderful. I talked to him on my birthday, it was so funny trying to talk to him because he was getting hard of hearing and I had to repeat myself alot. I had planned on calling them on Christmas day. He was buried on Christmas Eve, I wasn't able to make it to his funeral. I didn't sleep one minute Wednesday night, I'm not sure if it was because of the funeral or my general sadness that he was gone. I haven't slept much at all this week. I still cry every day, it feel like a piece of my very happiness was taken from me when he left me. I know he's in heaven but it doesn't change the fact that he's not with me here, I know it's selfish, but I can't help feeling this way. He was such an amazing man, lived such a Godly life, loved his Family and loved only God more than us. His and Aunt Betty's love story is quite like Dallas and mine. We met and knew we would marry our spouses within the first week and were married within a few months. I hope and pray that God will comfort my sweet sweet Aunt in the dark days ahead of her, I can't imagine the darkness she will have to go through. I have never needed my family around me more but have never been farther from them than now. Dallas is the most amazing husband I could've ever asked for, he's been so tremendously loving and taking care of me and holding me when I cry. He listens to my endless stories of the memories I made with Uncle Jim, he never gets impatient or acts like I'm bothering him, he is such a comforter. Please pray for me, I need it desperately. This cloud seems to be here for a while. This song had struck me as so beautiful the first time I heard it and brought me to tears when I heard the part about the old man. Now it strikes me as just what my beloved Uncle would've said had he been able to speak. I can't really listen to it anymore, but, the words are so true. One day I'll get to go be with my Uncle in a place where he is pain free and healthy. He will be smiling that smile I loved so much and we will explore the Forever Home that God made for us. Heaven sounds so much sweeter today, I've never felt more like going Home than now.
"Little boy, six years old
A little too used to being alone Another new mom and dad, another school Another house that'll never be home When people ask him how he likes this place He looks up and says with a smile upon his face
This is my temporary home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passing through This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know This is my temporary home
A young mom on her own She needs a little help, got no where to go She's looking for a job, looking for a way out 'Cause a half-way house will never be a home At night she whispers to her baby girl Someday we'll find our place here in this world
This is our temporary home
It's not where we belong Windows and rooms that we're passing through This is just a stop on the way to where we're going I'm not afraid because I know This is our temporary home

Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves And he whispers, "don't cry for me, I'll see you all someday" He looks up and says, "I can see God's face"
This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passing through This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know This was my temporary home This is our temporary home"

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are." -- Zen proverb
So, we've got the house as long as the financing comes through with our mortgage company. Our agent says he sees no reason that we should have an unforeseen problem. Everyone else however says that surely something is going to arise that will delay the closing. I myself have found the labyrinth that is real estate/first time home buying a nightmare I do not wish to dream ever again. However when the time arises and we leave MD we surely will need to purchase another home. This is another time when the oft lauded virtues known as faith and patience come into play. My wise mother is there to remind me to keep praying and turn it over to God. This statement is true yet my subconscious tells me to pray for the best and be prepared for the worst. Husband seems to agree with this logic and therefore I continue to try to keep all of the ducks in the row and forge ahead somewhat blindly, all the while learning a new lesson at every turn. I was musing on how this is such a great conversational piece when meeting a new acquaintance, it seems everyone can relate and commiserate with us on this issue. When I was a child and teenager I frequently felt at a loss at what I could use to talk to people about, it seemed I was always doing the same old same old. As I matured and met Mr. Right, married, moved, moved yet again, attempt to purchase a house I realized this difficult/exciting/new phase in our transition to adulthood is what we'll talk about with new friends and far away family. For the rest of our lives this will be in our collective little black book of conversational pieces. Then when we add children, our moves, travels, etc. these will all weave into the fabric of the story of our life. Then when we're older we'll tell it for the millionth time never realizing we've told it that many times as our grandkids listen inwardly rolling their eyes at the same old story. It's a cyclical thing really, we start out not having a story then venture wide eyed and willing to forge that story and suddenly we feel afraid to really dig in and lead that life we've always wanted. We have the tools in God and His word, but, somehow it doesn't feel quite enough sometimes. We live through faith and trust that God will lead us and take us through life where he wants us to go. Then as we age it seems after the kids and grandkids, the traveling, the real nitty gritty is over we're rehashing the old glory days. No more story's of what I did today, the stories are all from back when. It's a return to the beginning in many ways, and, quite an amazing thing to me. I don't know that I can ever understand why it is this way. We know that it is a confusing life and just to trust God and to let it go and live in His perfect will but try to find a way to fit the complicated master plan of His into our smaller view. I may never understand the pathway God has put me on but isn't some of the fun in life the new and unexpected? We were never promised the beautiful golden road, sometimes the stony shadowed road is the path we're meant to be on. It's all meant to make us a stronger more faithful christian even though it hurts us. God will bring us out into that wide open clear path again sometime. We'll understand it all one day even if we don't see it now. Thank you Lord for your guidance. Help me to remember that in the days ahead.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Esto Perpetua (Latin: Let it be forever)

What a time in life. I never wanted to grow up, my Mom called it Peter-Panitis. I just knew growing up meant making all the hard adult decisions. While some decisions are fun like picking out your husband, others aren't quite so fun like where to take a new job which will require moving away. Where do you move and how far away? Are you ready for this? Babies, how does anyone ever know if they're ready for the responsibility of that human life? Sometimes I feel like I can't even decide on what to make for dinner and we're deciding to buy a house. A house, this decision will require a commitment of at least two years in our current state of Maryland. Beautiful state but entirely too far from Family and neither I or Husband want to make that kind of commitment to good 'ol Mary. The Peter Pan that's left in me want's to ignore the elephant in the room but the grown-up-married-lady in me want's to get a move on in this area and decorate and remodel and finally stake a claim on a place of our own. Exciting as it is the thought of being here more than one year as originally planned is unpleasant to think of. Along with the new decisions God has brought to us new friends. One of the most pleasant "new" things in the melting pot of new, the least threatening in my mind at least. Why I'm so reticent to meet change I don't know, it is always magnified as more painful in my mind so much more than it ever really is in actuality. Prayer and Faith are what I've noticed, in particular, that God has really been growing and pointing out to me. The growing process is painful but exhilarating at the same time, every time I worry myself to near frenzy it's like God turns and pats my head and says "See that wasn't bad at all. I've got you right where I want you, completely dependent on me." When things are beyond my control they are the most in his control. When I can't meddle He's working His will and having His way. When viewing the "New Things" from this perspective I realize they really aren't new at all. God has never left me alone to solve any problem that's ever appeared. He's always been in the lead taking me down life's journey. That is the most comforting thing of all. Reflecting back on life I think on the times that are so hard and the times that are so wonderful and amazing. Do I want the good times to last forever? No, not any more than one would wish that the bad times would last forever. The point of our lives on this earth are to serve the Lord and live for His glory, the "New Things" we go through, good and bad, all teach us invaluable lessons. As uncomfortable as some of the lessons are I love to learn new things about God and His love for me, new things about my own character, and new things about my husband and our relationship together. How could I ask for more than a loving God who is with me every step of the way? In these thoughts I know that while Esto Perpetua may not be the prayer of my heart I hope that my heart stays in the will of the Lord and He keeps me wanting to learn his ways forever.