Mutual Weirdness

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." Anonymous

Yesterday being Valentines day has made me think. Dallas and I have always been very aware that we are weird people. That was one thing that we noticed right off the bat is how we could be our weird kooky selves when we are together. Every couple has their little inside jokes that they like to do together, their own "things" if you will. We like to enact our favourite scenes from movies together or quote funny sayings we've heard together. Recently with various things making us keep weird hours and therefore restricting/diminishing sleep has made my quirk of saying words wrong (like "long hair" would come out "hong lair") happen a lot more. With anyone else it would be highly embarrassing, with Dallas we just laugh together and make fun of it all day long. Dallas has a bad habit of "Hill Billyin' it up" which is our term for mumbling when he gets tongue tied. His brain often works a great deal quicker than his tongue can keep up with and the things that come out are often ridiculous and highly amusing :) The mutual weirdness is even extending into the house. We are so alike in our design style and colour palate that it is going seamlessly. Dallas confided in me before we actually closed that he thought we would fight all the time about how to do the house. This revelation really bummed me out and made me want to quit and even kind of hope we wouldn't get the house. If it wasn't going to be fun, then why the heck should we buy one? I don't like to argue especially since I'm the wife and he has the ultimate say when we disagree anyways. I tried to console him and assuage his fears by reminding him we'd already picked colours and flooring and that stuff, not too much more to pick and argue over. He was then soothed and sorry he'd bummed me out. We've now started ripping things out, pulling things up, and taking things down. Now we're about to paint and lay down our flooring. The one thing Dallas and I differ on seems to be budget. We have free money from our tax return but, ever the frugal one he's trying to cheap out on me :) I'm going to stick to my guns because if a lady could see my kitchen they'd know I need more cabinet space and a better layout! I've never been so happy to have a non-ice-maker fridge in my life! If the fridge needed a water line I'd be in trouble and the fridge would be a non mover. Since it uses ice trays for ice making we can move it wherever I want it! Thank God! Alright I think I'm ready to face the day! Thank you Lord for bringing me my perfect match. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else :)

" Two lives, two hearts joined together in friendship united forever in love." Anonymous

A Country Home

A city man is a home anywhere, for all big cities are much alike. But a country man has a place where he belongs, where he always returns, and where, when the time comes, he is willing to die -

Edward Abbey
Victory! We finally closed on our house. It's about time :) After a very short time that felt like forever Dallas and I are now home owners. It's kind of funny that I'm just as excited to plan and plant a garden as I am to fix up the house! I've always dreamed of having blueberry bushes and have already found a place that sells fruit bearing bushes. The bee's and butterflies will have their own part in the yard when we plant the flower to attract them to come help pollinate the veggies we'll plant. Oh my word, I can't wait to garden again. While I have really enjoyed living in the suburbanized part of town again after being in the extreme country all summer, it will be so nice to have our own piece of land complete with a creek. It's kind of surreal to think we actually *own a house and land. I have now achieved one of landmarks of adulthood, but, I still feel too young to be married for two years much less owning a home! Maybe it's the "Peter Pan" in me :) The house is a little tiny thing, she's just under 900 sq ft, but, from the moment I saw her I knew she'd be the one we got. When we walked in there was that connection, maybe even in it's own way a familiarity of a friend. Dallas walked in after the Realtor, he turned and looked at me and smiled his trademark smile. I knew he was very pleased and this was the place he wanted. The first place we looked at too, it was like a wedding dress, we just knew. We're back to the country. It will be so nice not to have to worry about getting mugged everywhere or having someone smashing around overhead or worrying about being too noisy for the neighbor under our feet. To be able to listen to Kathrine Jenkins as loud as I want to and feel like I'm in a concert once again will really please me to no end! Also, to be able to actually paint and decorate exactly how I want will be interesting. The fact that I can nail things to the walls and paint whatever I want and take things out of wherever I want to will be extremely odd seeing as how I've never really had that option. Though with all this snow we;re having it's put the brakes to any kind of renovating we're trying to do. It's really annoying. We've waited so long to do this and now Mother Nature has pulled out all the stops to keep us from doing anything to the house. It's not only been blizzarding since yesterday at noon on the dot, it's supposed to start snowing Tuesday and snow through Wednesday! So, Lord willing we can get out and get some stuff done tomorrow and Monday so we can work on Dallas's days off Tuesday and Wednesday. WE need to get a move on with this so we can start moving stuff to the house! Woohoo, thanks ladies for all your prayers. God has really blessed us with this house. The payment is ridiculous , the yard is huge, and it's our first home! We will be making many first memories in her and I know that prayer is the only thing that helped us keep our tempers and sanity with the waiting and paper wrangling. I could never express the gratitude for such wonderful friends as you. Thank you Lord for blessing us more than we ever deserve and giving us what we need when we need it.

Rejoice

That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:
Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:
Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:7-9

I've been doing alot of thinking lately on this subject. It seems people are getting more and more negative. It's rare I hear someone say something pleasant. Now, on that very negative opening I introduce my thought topic of the day: Rejoicing. I have always trended toward the sad side of life. I love slow songs and sad songs the kind that make you feel the emotion in the singers heart. I tend to see the negative outcomes, the bad attitude in a post, the silence from a friend (no one in particular just an example). The bad seems to glare at me from everything, I don't know why this is. It seems as a born again Christian I should see the positive and have the happiness and positive side glare at me. It would make sense that that would be the natural, easy thing to do, right? Well, unfortunately it isn't the case with me. I've decided that the next thing to work on in the betterment of my christian life would be to be the positive person. I know God isn't glorified by a negative outlook on things. I want my life to be a reflection of the Lord's working in my heart. I know that a tiger can't change his stripes on a whim, but, this is something that I really feel is something the Lord would have me change about myself. I've known some ladies in my life time that it seems nothing ever brought them down, they were always sweet and had a kind and encouraging word to help the down cast heart. I want to be an encourager in my little circle of friends. There are far too many things to drag our spirits down, who needs a Negative Nelly complaining about everything under the sun? That is where the Lord should step in, remember the song "Are you weary, are you heavy hearted? Tell it to Jesus, tell it to Jesus!" Why do people feel the need to drag down the worlds day and drag them through the mud of their attitude so much? The Lord is the only one who can truly help us in our situations and change our directions in life or at the very least give us peace in the times of our trials. More often than not the thing we complain about is so fleeting there is no need to tell the world about it anyways. It's funny, I noticed this recently somewhere and it made me acutely aware any time I wanted to complain, how completely unnecessary it is to spread discontent. I don't want to get so wrapped up in the now, what I want to change or what I wish was different that I miss actually living in the moment. I don't want to look back on my life when I'm eighty and think "If only I could go back and tell my twenty year old self that my thighs were fine, my situation wasn't bad, I did have friends and family after all! My hair was not that bad, that annoying person is not even near you! Ignore them!". I want to live thankfully now, not look back and be thankful. No matter what happens I'm on my way to heaven to live with God, Family, and Friends for all eternity. What could possibly measure up to that down here? Thank you Lord for everything you've given me, what you have planned for me, and the things you have for me beyond this life. Help me to live in this awareness every day and to be a reflection of your love and grace.


He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.
Epictetus

The Initial Impression

Don’t be afraid if things seem difficult in the beginning. That’s only the initial impression. The important thing is not to retreat; you have to master yourself.
~Olga Korbut

Glorious. That would be how I'd describe the beginning of the year 2010. What seemed to be one of the best years and yet most difficult year of my life has now been turned into something that is quite wonderful. I know that my wonderful friends and loving family have been truly praying for me. 2009 ended with the passing of my beloved Uncle and the visiting of my Mother-in-Law (MIL). The visit was a welcome one indeed seeing as my blood relatives are so far away, it was a nice substitute to have MIL here to distract me. There is never a dull moment when she's here you see :) We shopped til we dropped, cooked many delicious meals, and watched all the Jane Austin movies in my collection. MIL had never seen any of these and was an avowed fan after the first and inimitable Jane Austin classic "Pride and Prejudice". What woman is not looking for her very own Mr. Darcy? We looked for things to spruce up our own new little country cottage, then planned on how we'd like our future dream homes. The church services were bitter sweet for our pastor, his own dear mother has passed the week after Christmas. I told him about my own loss and it's bittersweet to have that kind of a knowing look pass between yourself and a friend who can feel your pain so acutely. Then Sunday afternoon we bid adieu to MIL and she was on her way to good 'ol North Caroline. God has been blessing us left and right and we just can't seem to keep up with everything he's doing for us, not a bad way to be if I do say so myself! We hit a snag with some improperly filed taxes from '08 so off we trudged to the IRS seeking some depuzzlement and were sent away with a bad attitude mixed with a dash of defeatedness and longing to work for the national government, the closest thing a person can get to early retirement :D We went to Olive Garden to eat the soup and salad with the money Husbands Granny gave me. Then found a heaven sent Lady at H&R Block who solved our months long battle with the tax man, who not only fixed whatever the problem was but also got us a hefty refund! This morning a two year long prayer was answered by my own personal guardian angel... My Father-in-Law (FIL) :) He sent us a queen size mattress and box spring as our Christmas present! I gasped when I saw the men unloading it from the truck, I never in a million years expected such a grand, amazing, lavish gift! I bought for the first time as a woman (seriously since I was like 14y/o) A matching bed set. It is so beautiful and makes me feel more at home and personalized :) I wish my FIL was here to get a huge kiss on the cheek and strangley hug from an ever grateful DIL. He truly is an amazing man who I am so lucky to know much less be related to. I not only got an amazing husband but amazing in-laws, that's a rare combo I know. So many people ask me "How do you feel about your MIL staying with you!? Are *YOU ok with that!?" and I can honestly answer with a heart felt "I don't mind at all and I look forward to it." I see so many thing that I hope for but never imagine God is bringing to me. This house kind of fell in my lap as my wonderful husband did. It came with no warning and is ours within a months time. How great is our God that even when we don't think to ask for things or are even afraid to ask Him for the secret desires of our heart that he sees into it and will do so much more than we ever could've imagined. This year will be more Faith testing and trials and growing pains to be sure, but, with the Lord on our side fighting every battle, lighting our paths through the darkest of nights, I know we can face anything that comes our way. Lord, help me to trust in you when I am blind and weary. You know what's best for me even when it's painful and I thank You for Your everlasting goodness and unfailing mercies. I could never say thank You enough.

Temporary Home

The week of Christmas is usually the best week of my whole year. I love Christmas and spending time with my family and friends. This year it would be different being in another state, but, between the internet, phone, and church friends we were not going to be lacking for Christmas cheer. This Christmas was the worst Christmas of my entire life. My mom called my phone while I was out Monday with a friend and I asked if I could call her back, when she told me to call as soon as possible I could hear that she'd been crying or at least very very upset. The rest of the outing I had that feeling in my stomach, that balled fist trying to push through to the outside, I just knew it was going to be so bad. When I finally worked up the nerve to call I couldn't get a response on anyone's phone. I knew if I checked facebook it would be there. With a slight fear I checked, as soon as I saw my Uncle Jim's name in the line I started panicking. I tried my mom's phone three more times and when I didn't get her I called my Aunt Paula. She told me short of a miracle of God my Uncle Jim would die very soon. I was pretty much sobbing as I tried to make sense of it, I couldn't quite comprehend what she was telling me. He wasn't supposed to be that sick. It was just supposed to be a minor infection that would heal quickly with some meds. My Uncle Jim has been much more gravely ill than this before and God brought him through. I was frantically trying to get more information, Aunt Paula told me to call Aunt Betty my Uncle Jim's wife. As I hung up the phone I couldn't contain myself. I fell down to my knees sobbing and begging God to please please spare my Uncle. Anyone who knows my family know that my Uncle Jim was my Grandpa growing up. I have no memories of my blood Grandparents until my teen years. In my heart Aunt Betty and Uncle Jim will forever hold the true Grandparents spot. I tried to catch my breath and stop crying long enough to talk to my Aunt Betty, I knew my Uncle was sedated to help him with his pain. When I got her she tried to sound positive and ask me about the house and the weather here, and I asked about Uncle Jim she still tried to sound positive. As I tried to ask if I could talk to him, my voice broke and I couldn't hold it back anymore. I started crying and she told me it didn't look good at all, and I said I wanted to go to them and be able to see him one last time. I love him so much still, I couldn't fathom not saying goodbye. My Aunt said She was gonna hand the phone to our Aunt Judy. I talked to Aunt Judy just a little while I was crying so hard then I could barely talk. I asked her to give my Uncle a hug and tell him how very much I love him even if he wasn't awake to hear it. I hung up the phone and sobbed and sobbed. I stayed in our room for and hour crying and begging God to spare him. At 8:15 that night my beloved Uncle Jim passed. He went to heaven with out me being able to see him one last time, to tell him in my own voice how much I truly love him and how much he meant to me, how I think of him every single day. That he was the biggest encourager I've ever had, that his hugs made me feel so truly loved and cared for and safe. That I'd rather have him here than anything in this world, that I'd trade ten years of my life for just one more day with him. I miss him so much it hurts everyday when he comes to my mind. I got to see him this summer when we moved up to North Carolina. We stayed up there for three days, it was so wonderful. I talked to him on my birthday, it was so funny trying to talk to him because he was getting hard of hearing and I had to repeat myself alot. I had planned on calling them on Christmas day. He was buried on Christmas Eve, I wasn't able to make it to his funeral. I didn't sleep one minute Wednesday night, I'm not sure if it was because of the funeral or my general sadness that he was gone. I haven't slept much at all this week. I still cry every day, it feel like a piece of my very happiness was taken from me when he left me. I know he's in heaven but it doesn't change the fact that he's not with me here, I know it's selfish, but I can't help feeling this way. He was such an amazing man, lived such a Godly life, loved his Family and loved only God more than us. His and Aunt Betty's love story is quite like Dallas and mine. We met and knew we would marry our spouses within the first week and were married within a few months. I hope and pray that God will comfort my sweet sweet Aunt in the dark days ahead of her, I can't imagine the darkness she will have to go through. I have never needed my family around me more but have never been farther from them than now. Dallas is the most amazing husband I could've ever asked for, he's been so tremendously loving and taking care of me and holding me when I cry. He listens to my endless stories of the memories I made with Uncle Jim, he never gets impatient or acts like I'm bothering him, he is such a comforter. Please pray for me, I need it desperately. This cloud seems to be here for a while. This song had struck me as so beautiful the first time I heard it and brought me to tears when I heard the part about the old man. Now it strikes me as just what my beloved Uncle would've said had he been able to speak. I can't really listen to it anymore, but, the words are so true. One day I'll get to go be with my Uncle in a place where he is pain free and healthy. He will be smiling that smile I loved so much and we will explore the Forever Home that God made for us. Heaven sounds so much sweeter today, I've never felt more like going Home than now.
"Little boy, six years old A little too used to being alone Another new mom and dad, another school Another house that'll never be home When people ask him how he likes this place He looks up and says with a smile upon his face
This is my temporary home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passing through This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know This is my temporary home
A young mom on her own She needs a little help, got no where to go She's looking for a job, looking for a way out 'Cause a half-way house will never be a home At night she whispers to her baby girl Someday we'll find our place here in this world
This is our temporary home It's not where we belong Windows and rooms that we're passing through This is just a stop on the way to where we're going I'm not afraid because I know This is our temporary home

Old man, hospital bed The room is filled with people he loves And he whispers, "don't cry for me, I'll see you all someday" He looks up and says, "I can see God's face"
This is my temporary home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passing through This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know This was my temporary home This is our temporary home"

Understanding

"If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are." -- Zen proverb
So, we've got the house as long as the financing comes through with our mortgage company. Our agent says he sees no reason that we should have an unforeseen problem. Everyone else however says that surely something is going to arise that will delay the closing. I myself have found the labyrinth that is real estate/first time home buying a nightmare I do not wish to dream ever again. However when the time arises and we leave MD we surely will need to purchase another home. This is another time when the oft lauded virtues known as faith and patience come into play. My wise mother is there to remind me to keep praying and turn it over to God. This statement is true yet my subconscious tells me to pray for the best and be prepared for the worst. Husband seems to agree with this logic and therefore I continue to try to keep all of the ducks in the row and forge ahead somewhat blindly, all the while learning a new lesson at every turn. I was musing on how this is such a great conversational piece when meeting a new acquaintance, it seems everyone can relate and commiserate with us on this issue. When I was a child and teenager I frequently felt at a loss at what I could use to talk to people about, it seemed I was always doing the same old same old. As I matured and met Mr. Right, married, moved, moved yet again, attempt to purchase a house I realized this difficult/exciting/new phase in our transition to adulthood is what we'll talk about with new friends and far away family. For the rest of our lives this will be in our collective little black book of conversational pieces. Then when we add children, our moves, travels, etc. these will all weave into the fabric of the story of our life. Then when we're older we'll tell it for the millionth time never realizing we've told it that many times as our grandkids listen inwardly rolling their eyes at the same old story. It's a cyclical thing really, we start out not having a story then venture wide eyed and willing to forge that story and suddenly we feel afraid to really dig in and lead that life we've always wanted. We have the tools in God and His word, but, somehow it doesn't feel quite enough sometimes. We live through faith and trust that God will lead us and take us through life where he wants us to go. Then as we age it seems after the kids and grandkids, the traveling, the real nitty gritty is over we're rehashing the old glory days. No more story's of what I did today, the stories are all from back when. It's a return to the beginning in many ways, and, quite an amazing thing to me. I don't know that I can ever understand why it is this way. We know that it is a confusing life and just to trust God and to let it go and live in His perfect will but try to find a way to fit the complicated master plan of His into our smaller view. I may never understand the pathway God has put me on but isn't some of the fun in life the new and unexpected? We were never promised the beautiful golden road, sometimes the stony shadowed road is the path we're meant to be on. It's all meant to make us a stronger more faithful christian even though it hurts us. God will bring us out into that wide open clear path again sometime. We'll understand it all one day even if we don't see it now. Thank you Lord for your guidance. Help me to remember that in the days ahead.

Esto Perpetua (Latin: Let it be forever)

What a time in life. I never wanted to grow up, my Mom called it Peter-Panitis. I just knew growing up meant making all the hard adult decisions. While some decisions are fun like picking out your husband, others aren't quite so fun like where to take a new job which will require moving away. Where do you move and how far away? Are you ready for this? Babies, how does anyone ever know if they're ready for the responsibility of that human life? Sometimes I feel like I can't even decide on what to make for dinner and we're deciding to buy a house. A house, this decision will require a commitment of at least two years in our current state of Maryland. Beautiful state but entirely too far from Family and neither I or Husband want to make that kind of commitment to good 'ol Mary. The Peter Pan that's left in me want's to ignore the elephant in the room but the grown-up-married-lady in me want's to get a move on in this area and decorate and remodel and finally stake a claim on a place of our own. Exciting as it is the thought of being here more than one year as originally planned is unpleasant to think of. Along with the new decisions God has brought to us new friends. One of the most pleasant "new" things in the melting pot of new, the least threatening in my mind at least. Why I'm so reticent to meet change I don't know, it is always magnified as more painful in my mind so much more than it ever really is in actuality. Prayer and Faith are what I've noticed, in particular, that God has really been growing and pointing out to me. The growing process is painful but exhilarating at the same time, every time I worry myself to near frenzy it's like God turns and pats my head and says "See that wasn't bad at all. I've got you right where I want you, completely dependent on me." When things are beyond my control they are the most in his control. When I can't meddle He's working His will and having His way. When viewing the "New Things" from this perspective I realize they really aren't new at all. God has never left me alone to solve any problem that's ever appeared. He's always been in the lead taking me down life's journey. That is the most comforting thing of all. Reflecting back on life I think on the times that are so hard and the times that are so wonderful and amazing. Do I want the good times to last forever? No, not any more than one would wish that the bad times would last forever. The point of our lives on this earth are to serve the Lord and live for His glory, the "New Things" we go through, good and bad, all teach us invaluable lessons. As uncomfortable as some of the lessons are I love to learn new things about God and His love for me, new things about my own character, and new things about my husband and our relationship together. How could I ask for more than a loving God who is with me every step of the way? In these thoughts I know that while Esto Perpetua may not be the prayer of my heart I hope that my heart stays in the will of the Lord and He keeps me wanting to learn his ways forever.